I got no feelings

Still got no feel to do typing. Wanted to write something but I left my notebook at home. So, I just write everything on my mind, for now.

Many things going on this week.
Few things I just don't get it.
I don't understand it. Or maybe am just being too ignorance.
The fact that I don't want to know something that isn't related to me.
But somehow it does. And it's affecting me too.
I wanted to type them out here but never mind.
I'll just keep them to myself.
All I can say, I have already meet few of the worst many many years before, so perhaps these are just minor.

This is May, and I dare to say that the way is getting rough for me. At least for me.
From family matters to personal matters to works... I don't know.

Dealing with human is totally a burden for me. It annoys me sometimes. I mean, most of the times. Especially when they did wrong but acting innocent. How rude that could be...
And me, not knowing anything feeling dragged by that. How crazy is that sound to you...
It doesn't make any sense too. When I came to know about it, I was like, really? When did that happen? How? Who involve? They really did that? Behind our back?  How surprised that could be... And me, I never expect it by the way. Just considered yourself lucky enough to meet me since I don't complain about people, and I still can jaga hati orang lain, can still jaga your air muka.
Seriously. Think before you act. That's why I just ignored and buat tak tahu jak.

Am I getting them out now? Telling everything that's in my mind right now? Owh, maybe. The things I observe now, I feel so like "Please get me out of here!". I need a break before come back again next semester. Seriously since what had happened during my university years taught me a lot on how to ignore certain type of people.

I really need a break to reset my brain activities. I need to reset everything.
Next post please.

And meanwhile, my friend was like

Hahahaha😄😄😄😄😄😄

Last few weeks, I told her to watch One Night Sleepover Trip episode 1 until 3 since she's a VIP. I told her, you must watch them. Today she's watching first episode and she's in tears. I can hear her sobbing from my own cubicle here. Hahahahaha

 By the way, I don't considered myself as an ARMY but I do following BTS. I thought to post something on Singularity. How can you not love V's voice???? *melting*

Lets move to the next post. Am done dealing with my rant here. Whatever lah. 

My mood for today

I had to part my way with BlackBerry. Sad? Of course. Been using the brand since 2012. Loving the phone very much. The performance of the battery was totally superb. It was totally friendly user. But then the sad thing is that they didn't catch up with apps. I had to make hard decision to change into other brands that could support Whatsapp. Just because of that. Since my work communicates a lot using the app. Hard, huh...

So I got myself a Huawei. Just a mid-range phone. I don't plan to keep it for a long time. Still planning to get the latest BlackBerry. Lets see if I can cope myself with this brand.

Am still on leaves, but I didn't tell anyone about it. I just want to spend my leaves quietly. Without anyone nagging or trying to get me to go for a meet up or hanging loafing around. It's not that am trying to sush people away. I just need my time to be alone, to stay quietly without moving around a lot.

Close friends? Can be counted using fingers. But they are not around. We parted ways because of the nature of our works and life. The last time I met one of them was last year? During her daughter birthday party. After 3 years of not meeting each other. The other one is in Kapit, somewhere in rural area.

Want to know how we keep those friendship alive? And why we consider ourselves close friends?

I normally considered the two my bff. As long as our friendship going on, we never give or put pressure to one another. We catch up with one another when we really have time. It is never like we must or should meet whenever we are in the same town. If we can make it, we shall pop up at your place. Something like that. It is never an issue when we couldn't. No pressure at all. We contact one another when we want to. Sometimes with just a simple text like how are you? Then, silent again. But never pressure one another with something like, why you didn't reply my text or whatsoever.

That's how this friendship still lasting. No pressure. And when we feel like something is going wrong with any of us, the text receives would be like, are you ok there? That's what we called instinct. Weird, huh, the way we maintain our friendship. That's why I never hesitate to call the two my bff.

And me, I seem like an outgoing person, but the real me, am not. Am just an introvert. That's just me. People don't seems to believe because I keep on showing the opposite side. It's a hard thing to do. I keep on showing the opposite side of me because the nature of my job. I often use my leaves to shut myself down from my surrounding. I need to gather my strength back before I go back to my work. Am glad I survive. Of course am just a human. There are always times where am feeling so broken.. I shed tears, I take my time, and then gather myself together again. Stand tall once again.

As an introvert, I don't hate people. It just that it's not on my importance lists. Hard to understand an introvert, isn't it? People mistaken an introvert like me a lot. But am glad that two bff (Eve & Elsie) understood me well. I really thank God for these two. There's another two friends too. These two almost similar to me. I guess that's why I get along well with them. Azie and Catherine. It is like am seeing a mirror. I could see my reflection in them. I guess an introvert spots another introvert very well. 😁😁😁😁

Am on Spotify now. Music is the best theraphy. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Monday me

Yeaaa.
It's starting again. It's Monday today. My throat does not feel good today. So I opt for not to have lunch today. Drinking water should be enough.

Lately I guess I retweeted and tweeted a lot on BTS.
Oh well. Blame this eclectic taste in music. You give me any kind of musics, I can still digest them well. I was searching for their old mvs. And guess what, I found the exact song I heard few years back. Way back before they got famous and I didn't even know their group name. I just remember the music. Recently I started to listen to them again.
You see, good songs, good musics will always bring you back to the roots, to the base.

Anyway, work is still going on like usual. 10 days left before I can finalize all marks. And then, owhhh. I didn't apply leave for Christmas. Because of the key in marks. Damnit. Why must during the Christmas week? I think it has been years since I had proper Christmas holiday.
This year will be different. Many things happened this year.
Am not gonna talk about it or post it here.
It's not something that should be discussed here.

I wish to end my 2017 in a quiet way. Close every chapters and leave everything behind and start a new one in 2018. Hopefully things will turn out well next year.
Am sick and tired of being hurt.
And perhaps this page will start a new thing too. I know I mentioned before everything here were randomly typed and posted. Maybe next year will be more organized.

I hope so, as the main purpose I have this page is just for me to rant and do whatever I want to do. Keep in mind, whatever I share here are something that are meant to be shared. And whatever I feel like I need to keep to myself, I never spill it here.
I still keep them with me and secrets will always remain as secrets
(am good at keeping secrets, ok. This one can be verified by my cousins and friends).
It doesn't mean that I have to tell everything here. Whatever good, whatever I feel I want to share, it will be here. If not, then no.

Arrrrggghhh. Typing this while listening to Drug Restaurant Pomade album just give me that vibe.
*Currently on Escaper*

I guess there are many things running on my mind right now.
Did I mention that I already deactivate my Facebook? Ya, I did, again. Nahhh, not for any specific reasons. It just that I need to concentrate on my work till the end of this semester. Am using only Twitter for social networking, and my email and this blog for the time being.

I'll be 32 next year. Haisshhh. Time flies really fast.
My school friend, Catherine, treated me dinner to Secret Recipe last Saturday (my belated birthday dinner treat).
Thank you, dear friend for always be there for me despite my pretty love-hate behavior. I know this friend of yours which is me, is such an annoying person. 😀😀😀😀😀
That pretty love-hate behavior of mine, I'll reveal in the next post. When I remember and have time to compose the post.

Now, see what years have done to me. Look what you've done to me. 

😚😚😚😚😚😚

Oh wait. 2006 without make up, just bare face. I love my 2006. I always had the thinking of me being too pretty, overly beautiful, and superbly attractive. Hahahaha. But seriously, I was once.
Well, time changes people. So do I.

2017 with make-up. So fake.

😁😁😁😁😁

Don't...

For now, just leave me alone.

Do not try to find me or even contact me. Just leave out from my sight.

I don't think I want to talk or see you at the moment.

Until when, I just don't know. Give me space.

I need time to be alone, without your present. It can last for a day, a week, a month or years.. I don't know.

All I know is, just don't......

Crushing me down

Thank you for crushing me down. The dream I had before was crushed down once again yesterday. Keep on repeating. I always dream of one big family, just like other people. And yet dad crashed them down again. Not once not twice, more than that.

I don't think I want to get involve anymore with any of them.

Seriously.

This is the first time where I feel like I just don't need any of them anymore. Why should I stay when they keep on crashing me? My dream? I thought things changed, but am wrong. Again.

I tried to fit myself in into this Jimmy's family. I thought everything is getting better. It turned out worst. I don't think they feel or have the same dream as mine. Dreaming to have a better family relationship, where everyone can just talk to each other, spend time like other family, get closer and get to know one another. Instead of all those things, we all drifted away. And it is always the same problem. Scandal and women. Reason? The same all reasons. Everyone is not good to each other, for one another. It turned out like toxic. So I guess all the time we had before this they were all fake. For the sake of the public eyes and the people surrounding us.

I guess, mom is correct all this while. Now I understand everything. Up to this point, it all makes sense. Mom was just trying to protect me from all these troubles. She keeps on telling me not to get close to dad and his new family. Me as myself, the desire of a child to be closer to her dad, and I did all I could just to get to know them better. The people I didn't know for almost half of my lives.

And what I get in return, Dad is always the same, I guess he will never change. The more I be closer to them, the more I get drifted apart. The more I get to know dad, the more uglier the facts I know. The more I try to understand them, the more scarier things I found.

With all these things that happen, am glad mom got divorced by him long long time ago, when I was 6 years old.

I had lived my life hard than the rest of the people I know. And I don't think I want people to make my life harder than before. Am done with all this. And am glad God has never once abandon me despite all those things. Because of all these things, I value my mom and our lives together more than anything else.

It is better with things just between me and mom. Without the present of dad....

#Shatteredmanytimes
#Theend
#Stoplookingforme
#Ihadenough
#Amdone

Feel like...

Feel like missing something if I don't do this typing. I was so sicked during weekend, only recovered on Sunday. Never been in that state before. Shivering more than an hour on each day (Friday and Saturday). It was hard to handle. Feeling cold. I thought I was about to die. 

I Whatsapp my friend and told her my situation, the whole situation. Just in case something happen, at least I told her what had been happening. And I thought my kidneys got infected by bacteria, (do they call it bacteria?), my friend told me to check on my feet, to see whether they were swollen or not. Since she's a nurse, I assumed she knows everything. Luckily they were not.

After the cold disappeared, my body felt warm. The skin felt warm and hot, and I kept on sweating nonstop. never in my life I experienced thing like this. Of course I was nervous. All I could think of will I survive and be able to see my family and friends? I still have things I want to do before leaving. Am not even ready. What about my faith? Am I faithful enough to be in God;s kingdom? There many questions running into my mind. 

On Sunday morning, I wasn't sure whether it was only a dream or I was half asleep half awake. But one thing for sure I still feel the pain on my backbone. I still remember the sound of my voice when I recited Our Father, Hail Mary and Glory Be. Perhaps it was a test on my faith. Who do I seek when am in trouble? Whom do I call when I fall into temptation? And still am not a good one. Still I turn my back to my own Creator. Still I forget Him. I would rather think in that way than to scared myself out. I still feel creepy since I remember everything from how it began and how it ended.

Let's talk "FEAR"

I fear of bacterias. That't the utmost for now. It gets me to be cleanedall the time. Repeatedly washing my hand, repeatedly sweeping the floor. Sounded like OCD. But no. 

Next, ghosts. S*it, haaaaa. Is it one kind of fears?

Then, snakes. I crossed that. Should be geckos, then snakes. I hate geckos. 

Getting a spot on my list next is, Should I put fear of the devils? 

You see, I believe in God. 

And I don't think I should fear of Him. Love God, yes. 

But not fear. 

Fear of His commands also maybe no. Embrace His commands would be yes. 

Am saying something good here? Please, jangan kecam saya. 

These are just the things I have in my mind.

So, devils evils are one of the things that I should fear of. More to am scared of them. 

Because I feel tlike I don't have strong faith to face it. 

That's creepy to me. 

I've seen many movies on evil possession, and it's hhhmmm... 😓😓😓😓😓😓😓

Death

It's not appropriate to equalize migraine over death. 

But that's how I feel now. 

Migraine. Nausea. I just hope I will not vomit. Normally I always end up with vomit. And only fully recover after two or three days.I can't even cough. it makes the left side of my head in pain. It feels throbbing.

KeSAKAIan

Did you know I have to Google on "to make people becomes admin on whatsapp group" few minutes ago? 

Gosh. What a life.

Kuching blackout

Yesterday. Heh. It happened yesterday. On the evening. Blackout. Couldn't remember for how many minutes. It was almost half an hour?? That was ok. For me. It wasn't ok after the blackout.

 Lepas ada elektrik, lega juak rasa. And me, alu begaut mok mandik. 

It was ok for few minutes till there the tap dried. Seriously. In the midst of am taking bath, the tap dried. 

Ci**i lah. 

Nang barbie doll.

I had shampoo on my hair, with soap lathered on my skin. 

Damnit. Seriously stupid. 

I had to wait almost an hour before I could rinsed myself off. 

Right. 

That's all. 

Story of yesterday.

Cheer up, London.

Wow. 

How pathetic could this life served me? I just noticed most of previous posts sounded sad and devastated. 

Cheer up, London, it's not that bad. 

(Damnit Slaves! You guys have an awesome lyrics)

In the midst of lunch hour, I think I browsed almost everything on the net. From my own social network to online news to entertainment news YouTube, and now Spotify. 

I guess music has always been the greatest drug for the mind and body.

I'll try to upload something good next time. I promise. Once I reset my mind and everything, it'll be ok.

The Kill

I just feel I need to type something. Not going to update much as am still busy with my current work. In fact I just recovered from sickness. I guess my gastric pain got worst last Saturday. Muntah bagai kenak exorcism. Gosh. When I think back my last Saturday, I feel scared. Mun Badang ya wujud, kali cukup muntah aku pakey nya makan. 😂😂😂😂

So, like usual, I didn't take any foods after vomit. For at least 12 hours. So that my tummy could get some rest. I only had my food, the next day, on Sunday. Survived on porridge and plain water. And then, got this body ache and migraine. I guess my body just couldn't receive more that it just released everything. Like a dying person. Seriously. 

Today, I feel better. Slightly better that previous three days. Resume back with my work. At least I can focus on it without any interference. Later on will be going to hospital. Mom's youngest brother admitted into hospital last night. This year full of shocking news. I hope next year will be brighter for our family. 

There are times where I just hardly accept things like this. Tuhan jak tauk macam ney rasa hati. Bertimpa timpa jak masalah. 

Until at one part where I just feel like I could not do anything, I just lay down and cried to my sleep. 

Besar dugaan yang Engkau beri kepada kami sekeluarga, Tuhan...

Being strong is my strength. Even at my weakest point. 

People may not understand and I don't wish people to understand.. 

For I know God is always there to turn to.

I cry on my knees, I tell Him everything. And once am done, I know I have to get back on my feet and look forward again.

When my friend told me...

"Dik sepatutnya ngambik major Language & Literature bah suba. Ukai Math"

And me,

 "Nemu ku. Memang aku ka ngambik nyak suba, tapi dik nemu lah macam ne keadaan aku masa nyak. Setegal aku ngai sama ngambik major ngau bekas pangan ku nyak aku te alu ambik Math"

And hearing this once again last Tuesday made me like should I further my study in Master or doing another degree? Different one. Or maybe I should do some short courses related to English. I may not be good or excel in it, but at least it is something that my heart always want to do. 

Owh gosh. Seriously. 

It was the biggest mistake I had done in my life. 

Ever. 

Seriously I regret about it till now. 

Now I just slowly accepting myself and trying to do the best in this field. Mathematics may not be my best, but by doing out the best I can, I believe I can go through everything. Including Calculus. How I manage to learn Discrete Mathematics before this, I believe, given time and doing more whenever I learn it, I should be able to teach this subject well later.. next semester. Or maybe next next semester. 

P/s: I have no idea when am gonna stop whine about this. It's a never-ending story....

🙍🙍🙍🙍🙍

The power of a photo. Just a screenshot

Wow! I just cannot say much. 

It was just an ordinary day yesterday when I decided to change my profile picture on my Whatsapp. Owh, wait. I love the photo because it looked pretty cool. And DECEIVING too. 

I wonder if people bother to ask me before making their own assumptions towards me. Which I think quite pitiful. It does make them look like they are watching me and my life. 

Should I say, stalking my life? Hehehe. Gosh. 

If you don't ask, I am not going to tell you anything. I just let you drown into your own thoughts. Wise enough. Even wiser if they ask before congratulate me. 

I'm not married yet. It just a photo of me and my friend signing a form as a witness to our best friend's church wedding. Muahahaha. 

Look at how this photo can be so deceiving to some people. If am going to get married, I would be dressing up in a proper white dress. Logically. 

It was actually a video which my best friend screenshot and sent to me. Credit to her for getting this one nicely. Hahahahaha!!!

Signing form as a witness to my best friend's church wedding

#ThrowbackLastYear