How could you be so selfish
10 years has gone since you left the world
10 years has passed but still no difference to me
Still missing you like I always do
How could you be so selfish
When your "This is our last time talking to each other"
Keeps on haunting me
Lingering in my memory
The word if only
If only we just went with what we believed in
If only...
Will things be different now?
The path we chose led to forever missing you
marks only regrets in me
Trying to hide and keeping it all alone
You know, it hurts my heart more than anyone would know
How could you be so selfish
Letting me go with a pure goodbye
Without giving me the chance to say a proper one
How could you be so selfish
~In loving memory, W.J~
Ash Wednesday 2018
It's February 14th, 2018. It marks the beginning of Lent.
I have nothing more to say. Lent always give me this feeling. Feeling to feel close to something that I believe in. Feeling hopeful for something I always dream of. Lent keeps me to keep hopes.
Have a blessed Ash Wednesday, everyone, who comes across this page.
May you have a smooth journey throughout this Lent. May your hopes and dreams be fulfilled.
And aaaaa, I want to type this but I can't. I just can't do it. 😇😇😇😇
But am keeping my prayer and hopes for it.
I have nothing more to say. Lent always give me this feeling. Feeling to feel close to something that I believe in. Feeling hopeful for something I always dream of. Lent keeps me to keep hopes.
Have a blessed Ash Wednesday, everyone, who comes across this page.
May you have a smooth journey throughout this Lent. May your hopes and dreams be fulfilled.
And aaaaa, I want to type this but I can't. I just can't do it. 😇😇😇😇
But am keeping my prayer and hopes for it.
Cut my hair short
I noticed everytime, whenever the year change, before I come back to work, I would always keep my hair short. And this year I did it again.
This time the hair looks like this. Well, got to try the effect of phone. Caught with camera effect, edited with advance edit. Gosh. Am not very good with this thing. Seeing myself taking my own photos is a rare thing.
This time the hair looks like this. Well, got to try the effect of phone. Caught with camera effect, edited with advance edit. Gosh. Am not very good with this thing. Seeing myself taking my own photos is a rare thing.
Tadaaaaaa
I was once a student....
11 weeks more to go before end of semester.😅😅😅😅😅
I know right.... Keep on counting days, people.
What kind of motivation is this....😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏
I have no class on Friday this semester. My schedule this time a bit light.
I went through my Twitter media last week. And it came to me that I updated more photos and activities there than my Fb or here. I found my old photos. That 5-6 years ago photos.
Looking at those makes me miss to dance again. Or to be that slim again.😁😁😁😁😁😁😁
I know the "to be that slim again" thing is totally out of mind.
But seriously, although I was slim before this, I still felt that I was an overweight person. I have this issue with my weight since I was in school. It did and still affect my self esteem up until these days. And am constantly battling with it. No matter how many weights I lost, I still feel "big" and "heavy".
And whenever I scroll my old photos, I was like, "Owh, I never knew I was slim as that before. I never knew I was as small as that." Sort of things. During those times, I was like, am big, am heavy, am overweight, but the truth was I wasn't at all.
Sad, isn't it, when you are having a self esteem problem. To be honest, it makes me feel insecure. Sometimes. People would never expect this confession from me since my job covers it very well. My job pushes me to maximize. It does help me to be confident, but not that very confident.
Well, am still a human. Am not that perfect though.
I know right.... Keep on counting days, people.
What kind of motivation is this....😏😏😏😏😏😏😏😏
I have no class on Friday this semester. My schedule this time a bit light.
I went through my Twitter media last week. And it came to me that I updated more photos and activities there than my Fb or here. I found my old photos. That 5-6 years ago photos.
Looking at those makes me miss to dance again. Or to be that slim again.😁😁😁😁😁😁😁
I know the "to be that slim again" thing is totally out of mind.
But seriously, although I was slim before this, I still felt that I was an overweight person. I have this issue with my weight since I was in school. It did and still affect my self esteem up until these days. And am constantly battling with it. No matter how many weights I lost, I still feel "big" and "heavy".
And whenever I scroll my old photos, I was like, "Owh, I never knew I was slim as that before. I never knew I was as small as that." Sort of things. During those times, I was like, am big, am heavy, am overweight, but the truth was I wasn't at all.
Sad, isn't it, when you are having a self esteem problem. To be honest, it makes me feel insecure. Sometimes. People would never expect this confession from me since my job covers it very well. My job pushes me to maximize. It does help me to be confident, but not that very confident.
Well, am still a human. Am not that perfect though.
I miss those friends. This was in 2012 when I was a teacher in an international school here in Kuching. Missing those moments. I didn't do contemporary. This was just a preparation for an event. We did traditional dance.
I remember when I attended the dance practice, the instructor observed me.
Since I told the instructor I didn't dance. And when we started practicing, he quickly caught me and saying, "You did dance before, didn't you?"
I was hesitated to confirm, but later I told him, yes.
See me in that yellow baju kurung. That was in 2006. And those times, I kept on saying am large, overweight, whereas I wasn't at all. How tricky the mind could be....
Looking at it now, am like, hhhmmmm😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒
I wasn't that active in dancing. I just did with purpose. From my school years, till university, till I work, I only dance for purpose. I didn't do it because I love it. I only did it when it requires me to.
To say am a dancer, that was not true at all. I have stage fright. One of the reasons why I didn't do dance seriously.
I joined a singing competition when I was in primary school. I was pushed by my teacher because she saw the potential in me. I could still remember I got dizzy when I focused my eyes towards the audiences. I managed to sing till the end. I won the first placed. I remember my uncle was so proud of me that he kept the medal like his own treasure.
I entered story telling competition at school, I got 4th placed because I stuttered half way. Felt like hell.
I was pushed by my teacher to enter oratory competition/ speech competition since my essay was chosen as the best one in the school. I knew this one girl from different school. She was my rival, for the competition. Everyone was talking about her. We became friends later after the competition. It was hard for her since she had not been challenged by anyone before this.
During the competition, I had no problem the first 10 minutes. And when I started to focused on the audiences and it made me panic. I was covered with sweat cold and felt dizzy. My sight got blurry, but I managed to stand still and delivered my speech. I won the first placed.
Thing got worst as the first placed got to represent the zone to the district level.
I had to represent our zone.
Even worst during the district competition. My stage fright ruined everything. I got panic. I mean, really panic that it just made me to stutter and I totally forgot my speech that I just tried to say everything that came into my mind. My speech was in a mess. Totally in a mess. All I could do was ended up my speech. Incompleted. My teacher was like, what happened.. Perhaps they won't understand if I told them. So, I just kept silent the whole time.
That was the worst during my primary school years.
The best part was Mathematics competition. All I had to do was sitting there and answer the test paper. I didn't have to deal with people/audiences.
I only dealt with paper.😃😃😃😃😃😃
I won the first placed for the zone level. From 30-50 students of different schools, I shone in the light.
God was being too good to me, I guess.
Am bad in dealing with people, but am totally good dealing with paper work.
I represented our zone to district level. I remember I went into the contest room twice. I managed to pass the first round out of hundred students. Went into the contest room to fight for the third place. I was aiming for the first place since they told us, whoever managed to secure the first place will get the chance to represent the country to the international competition in Jakarta, Indonesia. If and only we managed to pass the state level. It was fun. And I secured the third place. My teacher was happy. I was happy, and like always, my uncle was happy too. Hehehe
Sports? Only active in primary school. I did netball, badminton, volleyball. I was trained as a GS for the school netball team before. Then everything was crushed down since I had to move school into the rural area. Moved back to our village. From a small town into deep jungle. Where opportunities were very hard to find. But then, this rural school trained me for badminton. Still playing it till today whenever I have the chance.
*Saving the secondary school lives for next post*
Thing(s) I did: Part 5- Steamed ikan sultan with tomyam flavor
Dramatic, isn't it... 😬😬😬😬😬
Am not a big fan of fish. I eat when I want to only. If not, I don't even want to touch it.
I cooked this dish two days ago. Mind you, this is not professional cooking. It just something that we have for lunch or dinner in an ordinary home. This is just ordinary food/cooking. I wanted to bake cake but couldn't find time.
The truth is am just being motionless during my leaves. And it still does not feel enough.
😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴
And I'll be back to work next Monday.
Now lets get back to our dish.
Ikan sultan stim tomyam.
Steamed ikan sultan with tomyam flavor.
That word, flavor, reminds me of Willy Wonka by Macklemore.
Recipe and method.
Ingredients:
1. Tomyam cubes (Dissolve in warm water. You can pour the mixture into the fish before start steaming. Or you can stir fry the mixture with the ingredients below, then pour everything onto the fish after 15 minutes of steaming the fish. I opted for the first method as I tried to cut off oil in food. I used the brand Knorr. You can use whatever brands you want)
2. Lemongrass (You will need two or three. I used two. One to be mixed with the fish, one to be boiled in the water for steaming)
3. Ginger (Slice thinly. The more, the better. It helps to get rid of the fishy smell. The same with lemongrass)
4. Red onion and garlic (slice thinly)
Next stage.
Scattered all over the ingredients 2-4. Before i forget, mixed well a little bit salt with the fish. I soaked the fish for about 15 minutes with tamarind water. Then put the fish on top of the ingredients. Then mixed the rest of the ingredients with the fish. And next, pour the tomyam mixture onto the fish.
Moving to the next stage.
I waited for the water to boil before I placed the fish tray inside the steamer. I put one lemongrass into the water so that the aroma absorb into the fish while steaming. Just crushed the lemongrass and let it boiled together with the water. Once the water boiled, place the fish tray into the steamer.
Last one.
I steamed the fish for about 30 minutes. Once the fish eyes changed color, consider it cooked. But then check again. But then again, steamed fish doesn't take long to cook.
Ok. That's all. That's a wrap for things I did. I don't think I cook starting next week since am back to work.
Life would be like go to work, come back home and normally foods are already prepare by my auntie.
Thank you, auntie, for taking care of us.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Watching MTV. Mic Drop is playing right now.
My favorite. Why? He may not be as handsome as the rest of the members but he certainly has an aura of an attractive personality.
And his smile. And his brain, his thoughts.
It's totally infectious.😇😇😇😇😇
Am not a big fan of fish. I eat when I want to only. If not, I don't even want to touch it.
I cooked this dish two days ago. Mind you, this is not professional cooking. It just something that we have for lunch or dinner in an ordinary home. This is just ordinary food/cooking. I wanted to bake cake but couldn't find time.
The truth is am just being motionless during my leaves. And it still does not feel enough.
😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴
And I'll be back to work next Monday.
Now lets get back to our dish.
Ikan sultan stim tomyam.
Steamed ikan sultan with tomyam flavor.
That word, flavor, reminds me of Willy Wonka by Macklemore.
Recipe and method.
Ingredients:
1. Tomyam cubes (Dissolve in warm water. You can pour the mixture into the fish before start steaming. Or you can stir fry the mixture with the ingredients below, then pour everything onto the fish after 15 minutes of steaming the fish. I opted for the first method as I tried to cut off oil in food. I used the brand Knorr. You can use whatever brands you want)
2. Lemongrass (You will need two or three. I used two. One to be mixed with the fish, one to be boiled in the water for steaming)
3. Ginger (Slice thinly. The more, the better. It helps to get rid of the fishy smell. The same with lemongrass)
4. Red onion and garlic (slice thinly)
Refer to the photo below
Next stage.
Scattered all over the ingredients 2-4. Before i forget, mixed well a little bit salt with the fish. I soaked the fish for about 15 minutes with tamarind water. Then put the fish on top of the ingredients. Then mixed the rest of the ingredients with the fish. And next, pour the tomyam mixture onto the fish.
Refer to the photo below
I waited for the water to boil before I placed the fish tray inside the steamer. I put one lemongrass into the water so that the aroma absorb into the fish while steaming. Just crushed the lemongrass and let it boiled together with the water. Once the water boiled, place the fish tray into the steamer.
Last one.
I steamed the fish for about 30 minutes. Once the fish eyes changed color, consider it cooked. But then check again. But then again, steamed fish doesn't take long to cook.
Life would be like go to work, come back home and normally foods are already prepare by my auntie.
Thank you, auntie, for taking care of us.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Watching MTV. Mic Drop is playing right now.
My favorite. Why? He may not be as handsome as the rest of the members but he certainly has an aura of an attractive personality.
And his smile. And his brain, his thoughts.
It's totally infectious.😇😇😇😇😇
Thing(s) I did: Part 4- Sawi pahit goreng udang
Today's lunch.
Sayur sawi pahit goreng udang.
I searched on Google the name of the vegetables. You see, am not very good in English. I lost the skill long time ago.
So the other name for sawi pahit is Oriental Mustard (Chinese Mustard, Gai Choy). Something like that.
Recipe and method. I'll just explain the ingredients. I think you can just see the method on the photos below.
Ingredients:
1. Prawns (take away the shell and also the head)
2. Ginger
3. Garlic
4. Chili (optional)
5. Oriental mustard
Prepare everything just like in the photo below.
Next. The method.
Put oil. Heat it. Then pour ingredient 2-4. Stir everything till you can smell the aroma. Then add the prawn. Then the oriental mustard. Done and serve.
Ok. That's all. Will post another one when am free.
Sayur sawi pahit goreng udang.
I searched on Google the name of the vegetables. You see, am not very good in English. I lost the skill long time ago.
So the other name for sawi pahit is Oriental Mustard (Chinese Mustard, Gai Choy). Something like that.
Recipe and method. I'll just explain the ingredients. I think you can just see the method on the photos below.
Ingredients:
1. Prawns (take away the shell and also the head)
2. Ginger
3. Garlic
4. Chili (optional)
5. Oriental mustard
Prepare everything just like in the photo below.
Next. The method.
Put oil. Heat it. Then pour ingredient 2-4. Stir everything till you can smell the aroma. Then add the prawn. Then the oriental mustard. Done and serve.
Ok. That's all. Will post another one when am free.
My mood for today
I had to part my way with BlackBerry. Sad? Of course. Been using the brand since 2012. Loving the phone very much. The performance of the battery was totally superb. It was totally friendly user. But then the sad thing is that they didn't catch up with apps. I had to make hard decision to change into other brands that could support Whatsapp. Just because of that. Since my work communicates a lot using the app. Hard, huh...
So I got myself a Huawei. Just a mid-range phone. I don't plan to keep it for a long time. Still planning to get the latest BlackBerry. Lets see if I can cope myself with this brand.
Am still on leaves, but I didn't tell anyone about it. I just want to spend my leaves quietly. Without anyone nagging or trying to get me to go for a meet up or hanging loafing around. It's not that am trying to sush people away. I just need my time to be alone, to stay quietly without moving around a lot.
Close friends? Can be counted using fingers. But they are not around. We parted ways because of the nature of our works and life. The last time I met one of them was last year? During her daughter birthday party. After 3 years of not meeting each other. The other one is in Kapit, somewhere in rural area.
Want to know how we keep those friendship alive? And why we consider ourselves close friends?
I normally considered the two my bff. As long as our friendship going on, we never give or put pressure to one another. We catch up with one another when we really have time. It is never like we must or should meet whenever we are in the same town. If we can make it, we shall pop up at your place. Something like that. It is never an issue when we couldn't. No pressure at all. We contact one another when we want to. Sometimes with just a simple text like how are you? Then, silent again. But never pressure one another with something like, why you didn't reply my text or whatsoever.
That's how this friendship still lasting. No pressure. And when we feel like something is going wrong with any of us, the text receives would be like, are you ok there? That's what we called instinct. Weird, huh, the way we maintain our friendship. That's why I never hesitate to call the two my bff.
And me, I seem like an outgoing person, but the real me, am not. Am just an introvert. That's just me. People don't seems to believe because I keep on showing the opposite side. It's a hard thing to do. I keep on showing the opposite side of me because the nature of my job. I often use my leaves to shut myself down from my surrounding. I need to gather my strength back before I go back to my work. Am glad I survive. Of course am just a human. There are always times where am feeling so broken.. I shed tears, I take my time, and then gather myself together again. Stand tall once again.
As an introvert, I don't hate people. It just that it's not on my importance lists. Hard to understand an introvert, isn't it? People mistaken an introvert like me a lot. But am glad that two bff (Eve & Elsie) understood me well. I really thank God for these two. There's another two friends too. These two almost similar to me. I guess that's why I get along well with them. Azie and Catherine. It is like am seeing a mirror. I could see my reflection in them. I guess an introvert spots another introvert very well. 😁😁😁😁
Am on Spotify now. Music is the best theraphy. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
So I got myself a Huawei. Just a mid-range phone. I don't plan to keep it for a long time. Still planning to get the latest BlackBerry. Lets see if I can cope myself with this brand.
Am still on leaves, but I didn't tell anyone about it. I just want to spend my leaves quietly. Without anyone nagging or trying to get me to go for a meet up or hanging loafing around. It's not that am trying to sush people away. I just need my time to be alone, to stay quietly without moving around a lot.
Close friends? Can be counted using fingers. But they are not around. We parted ways because of the nature of our works and life. The last time I met one of them was last year? During her daughter birthday party. After 3 years of not meeting each other. The other one is in Kapit, somewhere in rural area.
Want to know how we keep those friendship alive? And why we consider ourselves close friends?
I normally considered the two my bff. As long as our friendship going on, we never give or put pressure to one another. We catch up with one another when we really have time. It is never like we must or should meet whenever we are in the same town. If we can make it, we shall pop up at your place. Something like that. It is never an issue when we couldn't. No pressure at all. We contact one another when we want to. Sometimes with just a simple text like how are you? Then, silent again. But never pressure one another with something like, why you didn't reply my text or whatsoever.
That's how this friendship still lasting. No pressure. And when we feel like something is going wrong with any of us, the text receives would be like, are you ok there? That's what we called instinct. Weird, huh, the way we maintain our friendship. That's why I never hesitate to call the two my bff.
And me, I seem like an outgoing person, but the real me, am not. Am just an introvert. That's just me. People don't seems to believe because I keep on showing the opposite side. It's a hard thing to do. I keep on showing the opposite side of me because the nature of my job. I often use my leaves to shut myself down from my surrounding. I need to gather my strength back before I go back to my work. Am glad I survive. Of course am just a human. There are always times where am feeling so broken.. I shed tears, I take my time, and then gather myself together again. Stand tall once again.
As an introvert, I don't hate people. It just that it's not on my importance lists. Hard to understand an introvert, isn't it? People mistaken an introvert like me a lot. But am glad that two bff (Eve & Elsie) understood me well. I really thank God for these two. There's another two friends too. These two almost similar to me. I guess that's why I get along well with them. Azie and Catherine. It is like am seeing a mirror. I could see my reflection in them. I guess an introvert spots another introvert very well. 😁😁😁😁
Am on Spotify now. Music is the best theraphy. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
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