Let's talk "MY EDUCATION"

Took a nap for 5 minutes. I went to bed quite early last night but still ended up sleeping late. And last night because I was attempted to do face mask. Dang! I ended up sleeping at around 11.30pm..

Since SPM result had been announced last week or last two weeks, let's reveal mine. It wasn't straight A's, it was average. Huiyaaahh, this will be my first time exposing my academic result to public. 

Ta-daaaa! Let me explain to you about the result from my sincere perspective. 

This was a result from a person who lost interest in her education.  

My mom said, I could had done better than this. And I still believe it, I knew I could had done better than this. I just hate studying. You know, it required a lot of efforts and times. I hate putting a lot of effort when it comes to brainy stuffs.  

A's for English and Moral Education, B's for my Malay Language, Chemistry, Biology, Maths, History and C's for my Add Maths and Physics. Of all the subjects, I only like English. Well, I may not have many A's, but I still turned up as a human.

Oh yeah, SPM is equivalent to GCE-O level. And our English paper was graded separately by LPM and something something. Can't remember. This Cambridge O Level thing.

Next, I didn't know what to do after I completed my SPM. I worked for a while as a sales assistant. Mennn, the salary during the year 2003-2004 was like RM450 per month? And yet, it did make me feel rich. I mean, "I have money" that kind of feeling. Went to apply and fill in the form for SPM leavers. You know finding government jobs and latihan separa pekerjaan thing, where you pursue study under the medical field, after complete the study, can work directly under government.

Sadly, I didn't get any. Because I didn't know what to do, I went to Form 6. Two years of hell. I bet hell is worst than this, but on earth, I suffered a lot during my Form 6. 

I took my STPM and I knew it from the start it would be such a waste. STPM is equivalent to GCE A-Level. I think I saw it somewhere it was the third hardest exam in the world. Not sure about this tho. Now I present to you, this was the result of a person who didn't know what to do about her life. Go with the flow.

👇👇👇👇😂😂😂😂

I tell you, it was the worst of all. Of all the exam I sat, this was the worst ever in my life. 

Ish ish ish 

You see, whenever there is thing you don't like, there will always be one favorite of yours you could always find. 

And mine is this

💓💓💓💓💓

It is always English. The one and only closest to my heart. Now and forever... The first time I took this exam, I got band 4. The second time I took it, I got this (originally aiming for Band 6, the highest band). Well, this result is already expired. It valid for two years only. 😂😂😂😂😂😂

After completed my Form 6, I didn't manage to get into public universities. Yeahh, that damned STPM ruined everything. Should have blame myself for leisuring too much during school days, but well, that was pretty great for a school girl like me. Went to school to have fun lazying around with friends. Hahahaha

Seriously, broken-hearted when I couldn't go to university. I started to feel like education should come first since I'm the only child for my mom. I don't have other siblings. I can't rely 100% on my mom. I have to work things for my own. After my SPM, my dad talked to me trying to get me to study jurisprudence which I didn't have interest in. Then this time, I went to see him, trying to persuade him to sponsor me to pursue my study. I chose Biotechnology Industrial. Two weeks before I left, this college called me and offered course to me. Not my choice, never. But I stayed for the sake of my mom and my dad. First, no one would look after my mom if I went far, and my dad, I knew it would required a lot of expenses to send me to the other part of Malaysia. So, I locked myself up here in Kuching.

Spending the rest three years studying things I had no interest in, choosing the wrong major (this was one of the biggest MISTAKE I ever done in my life, just because my previous boyfriend choose to do Language & Literature as his major. I just couldn't be in the same class. I didn't like it. So I took other major). Even when I did my teaching practicum at my former school, my teachers were shocked upon hearing I did major Mathematics. They kept on going why not English, why Math? During those times, I already feel bad. Even made me feeling worst with those questions. I kept my mouth shut until today. I answered the WHY question here. Because the answer to the WHY is totally dumb. I should had thought for myself first, not someone else. 

LESSON LEARNT BY THE WAY. 

So, I managed to complete my study. Huhuhu. Finally. 

 The details 

You've got to admit it, seeing A's on your academic result is a satisfaction that you cannot get anywhere. Although people keep on saying, why look at grades and everything, it's not that it can help you to find money or determine your career one day, but look people, it symbolizes your effort and hard work, sacrifices behind it, tears and joy. Everything is in there. 

Even myself also couldn't believe it. I got no money during those times. I barely got money. My mom works as a kitchen helper and her salary was not enough to cover me. I didn't get to attend my convocation, I received my transcripts through mail to my college where my study had balanced of 4K. My mom settled the fees just to release my transcripts. Gosh, I swallowed my saliva when I type this. Typing this is already hard, what do you expect, to say it thru my mouth? Even harder for me to speak all of these. 

My friends, my classmates, my housemates, they were such wonderful friends. We shared foods, even money too. It was hard and tough during those times, I tell you. I don't even want to talk about it. The past is bitter. The sweet only last during the first year in university. The next two years, there were more downsides than the upsides. I guess they helped to build me into ME TODAY. 

Here I am after completed my study. Still thinking to further study but don't know what to choose. Feel like doing bachelor again with different field, master is calling. I don't know. 

If I found someone who I can marry, who is able to take care of me, I will just get married and build a family. Build a family that I never have before ( I came from a divorced family, well..)

Hahahaha

P/s: When you read whatever stories here, look at the positive sides. If it is good, you may take as examples. If they feel negatives, learn the lesson from there. Am totally imperfect. Am just an ordinary human. 

Growing up in Malaysia be like

This is the highlight of the day.

If you were growing up in Malaysia before, you should had experienced this thing

Ta-daaaaa!

I present to you, the most memorable ice-cream during my childhood!

😋😋😋😋😋😋😋😋😋 

👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇

Thank you, Cikgu Leha, for this. Hehehehe

Feel like...

Feel like missing something if I don't do this typing. I was so sicked during weekend, only recovered on Sunday. Never been in that state before. Shivering more than an hour on each day (Friday and Saturday). It was hard to handle. Feeling cold. I thought I was about to die. 

I Whatsapp my friend and told her my situation, the whole situation. Just in case something happen, at least I told her what had been happening. And I thought my kidneys got infected by bacteria, (do they call it bacteria?), my friend told me to check on my feet, to see whether they were swollen or not. Since she's a nurse, I assumed she knows everything. Luckily they were not.

After the cold disappeared, my body felt warm. The skin felt warm and hot, and I kept on sweating nonstop. never in my life I experienced thing like this. Of course I was nervous. All I could think of will I survive and be able to see my family and friends? I still have things I want to do before leaving. Am not even ready. What about my faith? Am I faithful enough to be in God;s kingdom? There many questions running into my mind. 

On Sunday morning, I wasn't sure whether it was only a dream or I was half asleep half awake. But one thing for sure I still feel the pain on my backbone. I still remember the sound of my voice when I recited Our Father, Hail Mary and Glory Be. Perhaps it was a test on my faith. Who do I seek when am in trouble? Whom do I call when I fall into temptation? And still am not a good one. Still I turn my back to my own Creator. Still I forget Him. I would rather think in that way than to scared myself out. I still feel creepy since I remember everything from how it began and how it ended.

Biological clock

I misplaced my phone this morning. Ended up I went to work without it. Feeling lost. Luckily I already reset this pc as one of the main log in for my blog. If not I will end up doing nothing since I don't log in into my Facebook and Twitter is not accessible here, in this office.

Just sober from a nap. Feeling exhausted for no reasons. Sleepy for no reasons. It worries me sometimes. I guess if one day I pass away, it could be happen during my sleep.

😪😪😪😪😪😪😪

And when people say this to me,"Drink coffee to keep you awake." I would be like,"Am a coffee-drinker. More to coffee-addict. I cannot live without it. After day 3 or day 4 without coffee, I always lost my focus, I can't even concentrate. It would always make me feeling so high. Even to walk also seems like I've lost my mind. That's how serious I am without coffee. I only stop for 3 days with no-caffeine thing because of my migraine and gastric."

And when people telling me, "Get enough rest and sleep." I would be like, "It doesn't do any changes to me. I love to sleep. It is always like this since I was a kid. seriously. I overslept till my eyes swollen. I even slept for more than 16 hours before and only woke up because I needed to pee and I felt hungry that force me to wake up."

My biological clock has confused itself. And it feels severe to me.

Let's talk "WORSHIP"

You see, one of my students invited me to join our college Christian Fellowship gathering this noon. I told him, if God's will, then I'll show up. Meaning to say that if I want to go, then he will get to see me. But I didn't. 

I feel thankful having such a wonderful student like him. I appreciate what he did. 

It is just me. 

I don't, I mean, I don't prefer to show my faith to the people. I can't say it's a bit, in fact, it's very personal to me. When it comes to my faith, my believe, my religion, I would love to have it personal.

 Keep it as private. I don't know why. I get uncomfortable joining all these spiritual gathering or concerts.

 I get uncomfortable to let people to look or see me praying. 

It's personal for me. 

This is just me. I remember I actively joined all these church related events during my university years. But I would always get uncomfortable when the people started the praise and worship session. People would sing, and cry. And me, I would just stand there at the side or at the corner and watched but not joining during the praise and worship session. Sometimes my friends were like, come and join us here, don't just stand there and bla bla bla...
 Maybe because the way I was raised in my religion. It's very traditional. You pray and sing and praise in the church during mass. And I am like that. Am that kind of person.

In other word, am that traditional kind of person. You see, I was raised as a Catholic since I was 12 years old. I only went for baptism when I was 12 years old since my parent didn't marry in church and they divorced since I was 6 years old? I can't remember. So I had to start on my own. And I had my Confirmation when I was 15 years old. I enrolled myself to Sunday class. Seriously. I did it all alone. My mom accompanied me just one time only. And Every Sunday before my class started, I would attended the morning mass alone. Every Sunday, for almost a year. I guess, that's one of the reasons why I love my religion very much. Because I worked hard for it.

I just can't imagine myself for not being a Catholic. Am not a perfect one, But am trying my best to be a faithful one. No human is perfect and you can't say am not good in my religion. It's always the process of learning. Am still learning (self-learning) until today. My biggest weakness when it comes to my faith is am having a hard time to read bible. Seriously. The most I would read would be the Revelation part.
😟😟😟😟😟😟😟

I hope my students will continue to grow and have a strong fellowship. 

It's good to join especially when you are in university. You see, you have to remember when you develop trying to be a person that you always want to be, you should never give away your faith. Your faith and believe should be your pillar of strengths. It should be the one that lead your way in finding success and happiness. Seriously.

Let's talk "FEAR"

I fear of bacterias. That't the utmost for now. It gets me to be cleanedall the time. Repeatedly washing my hand, repeatedly sweeping the floor. Sounded like OCD. But no. 

Next, ghosts. S*it, haaaaa. Is it one kind of fears?

Then, snakes. I crossed that. Should be geckos, then snakes. I hate geckos. 

Getting a spot on my list next is, Should I put fear of the devils? 

You see, I believe in God. 

And I don't think I should fear of Him. Love God, yes. 

But not fear. 

Fear of His commands also maybe no. Embrace His commands would be yes. 

Am saying something good here? Please, jangan kecam saya. 

These are just the things I have in my mind.

So, devils evils are one of the things that I should fear of. More to am scared of them. 

Because I feel tlike I don't have strong faith to face it. 

That's creepy to me. 

I've seen many movies on evil possession, and it's hhhmmm... 😓😓😓😓😓😓😓

From Appaz's Place to Comma... Dot

I typed "Comma... Dot" in the previous post. And I kinda like that word. It feels like there are times where u gotta put a comma into your life, and there are times where you just have to end everything by putting a dot. It is just that I did not include the symbol for comma after the "Comma" word. 

The word feels so close to me. I don't know why. 

Eerie, ehhh. 

So I changed this blog title from "Appaz's Place" to "Comma... Dot"

Appaz's Place is my dream. The dream am keeping with me since my secondary school year. Hoping to own my own place with that name. 

Heh. Ke langit jak impian. 

For whatever it is, am still keeping that name with me. 

Hopefully, one day, that day will be coming in my way. I don't know when, but now, let's just stick to "Comma... Dot". 

Feels better.

Comma... dot

Where do I begin

Blurry lines are everywhere

Settling me far away

From the escapade 

Mind is begging, despair

 Put a comma, it's a pause

Put a dot, it's a stop

Now

Where do we begin?

~Appaz Noom~
~March 6th, 2017~
~Monday~

Am I ready?

Perhaps this post seems dark? 

We went back to my hometown last Saturday. Driving from Kuching around 5pm, then reached kampung at around 7.30pm. My cousin & wife, me & my mom. I left my car at my cousin's place since my roadtax expired. Our grandfather (based on the family line, we called him grandfather. Not exactly our grandfather, but since it's kampung, so most of the villagers are related to one another. The generation line is pretty complex) passed away somewhere in the morning or afternoon. we went there to pay our last respect to him.

While waiting in the living room for Rosary prayer, I just stared at his coffin. I didn't get to see his face as I could not and did not want to see. You see, I get scared easily and yeahh. So, that was it. I stared at his coffin and began to think what if one day, when the time comes, and I passed away...

 Am I ready for it? 

Death comes at any time, any place without warning. 

Do I have money for my burial ceremony? 

Do I have money for me to buy myself a coffin? 

Do I have enough to feed the people who come to my burial ceremony? 

All this while, I keep on looking and earning money for the current situation. For my monthly expenses, for me to cover my car, my education loan, and etc. I cover almost everything except for one thing. Expenses for my own death. 

It's ironic, isn't it? 

Keep on looking and earning money and live the life am currently living in but I don't save even a penny for my own death. If I was dead today, trust me, I would be a death person without a single cent. 

I even talked about this to my friend yesterday, during our way to Sunday sunset mass. She was even in the same shoes as me. Then we thought of we should start saving for this kind of situation. We never know when our time comes, but at least we prepare something.

 I don't want my family to carry the burden of my death, I mean in terms of expenses. 

I shall get myself ready for this. Saving for my own death.

Lent begins today.. March 1st, 2017

It's Ash Wednesday today. The first day of Lent. I just can't believe it's here once again. How fast time flies.... 

I just wish for a quiet season this year, reflecting more to myself and family. I get melancholy every time when this season is here.. 

That feeling is indescribable...

Somehow am feeling lost. 

It is always during this season I try to find myself back. 

It is always during this season the challenges getting harder. 

The temptation getting stronger. 

It is always during this time too where I feel too far and very close to God.

 It is always during Lent...

It is always during this time I mark my beginning to somewhere better.

P/s: Am not feeling well since last week. Am not sure whether am getting better or I get worsen...